Whenever someone close to me dies, it has always been difficult to shed tears. While I envy the others for crying so easily, I understand myself for accepting someone’s death so loosely. My reaction, or perhaps my attitude, toward death is like that because I am convinced that death is everybody’s future. But let it be emphasized that there is always a degree of variation in the nature and the impact of the death of each person. I may die a natural death. He may die of murder. She may die of hunger. They may even die not knowing death at all. I may die with my family and friends grieving. He may die with the whole nation mourning. She may die in her deathbed. They may die on streets or in the forest.
For me, my death is mine and mine alone. What I mean is that, nobody else could die with the death of my selfhood. But I believe that it is only my selfhood that dies, only my physical body, my being. I still believe that though my death is forever mine, the life I shared with others in ephemerality will remain shared. I have a health problem and I may die anytime. While I am not afraid to die, I am afraid to die meaninglessly. Here are some items I would like to accomplish before finally dying.
I want to read all my poems to young people. Poems are like my children, lives born from me. I want the younger generations to treasure culture, history, nature, and people.
I want to paint the kind of world I always wished to live in. Despite my being a chemistry student, I have an appreciable passion for the arts. For me, arts is my means of communication to the world. Arts is also seeing the often-neglected, listening to the often-unheard, and creating for the often-deprived.
I want to sit beside the one I have always loved, to brush her hair and, perhaps, to give her a gentle kiss or to make love with her. I am a man who has the courage to love. But often, I love in secret. This time, I must have the courage to express my feelings directly to that person.
I want to have a picnic by the river with my whole family. My family is my most treasured buddy. This meal by the river would serve as a memento of our togetherness. The river would remind each of us that life must continuously flow to a certain direction despite my loss.
I want to speak in a political rally for the last time and encourage the people to use their potentialities, in various ways, to be united in fighting oppression. I will tell them that I will never regret having been part of the people’s struggle for liberation.
I want to revisit communities with united people’s organizations. It was through integration with these people that I understood and put into practice my principles and ideologies more than any book could have ever taught me.
I want to play a musical instrument. Music always does great to my soul. For the last time, I want music to be along my way to death.
I want to visit the rest of Asia and the other continents, most especially Europe. I want to see the ancient structures and historical places. With this, I could value my rootedness to the humanity. At least, before I die, I would have experienced being in solidarity with the peoples in other parts of the world.
I want to win a Nobel Prize in Chemistry or in Literature. This may be a little pride for me. I would not deny that I want to be honored for having done something not ordinary for the ordinary men and women. I want that science and arts would not just be for the pleasure of the few.
Finally, in a few moments before I die, I want to sit idly watching the sun in its true glory. I want to look up with strength at its glaring brightness. I want that, for the last time, when I close my eyes, I close it after looking at the brighter side, full of thanksgiving.
a thinking being.